Who else's approval do you need but your own?

I've genuinely never been one to overthink what others think of me. Overthinking in general though, right up my category. Let's talk about my obsession with learning about consciousness that I developed after Rob passed. All I did was overheating that one... and come to think about it, if I'm aware that I'm an over thinker about consciousness, am I also aware of my awareness??? Help a sister out please. Quite honestly, it matters and doesn't matter all the same. I exist in this body, which I think is pretty damn amazing, and there's not another human on this planet that you could pay me to trade places with. I'm a firm believer that the only opinion of concern about me, is mine. Which... is only as good as the foundation it was created on. Which... I like to think is fairly decent having been raised Catholic with a solid set of values. I'm understanding and forgiving, possibly to a fault. I'd give myself a 6/10 visually when I'm put together and a 4/10 with the state of my grief-healing mind currently, which is a major improvement from near 0/10.

There are always things to work on. Which is what this past few months have been for me. January wasn't as much of a reset for me as it was to solidify the few prior weeks before the New Year of dedicated effort I was putting into myself. Intentional and consistent effort. After I finally had an opportunity to lay low from the business in December everything came flooding in. Pain, really unhealthy thoughts, loss, heavy grief, nights curled up in bed with Rob's urn trying to cuddle him to fall asleep. I knew two things, one being that I know he doesn't want me in pain and he wants me to be okay and two, I'm going to die someday, and I genuinely want to feel better so I can really live before that happens. I didn't want to feel like I felt everyday. It's unbearably painful and exhausting. I have more I want to share on the grief road, but we'll cut it off there for now. 

In December I started doing yoga again and have been practicing with Ground Floor in Franklin, TN since. Which I highly recommend if you're in the vicinity. Yoga, combined with journaling, and reading... especially the book "The Untethered Soul" (highly recommend this book if you're dealing with any kind of suffering and have an open mind) have provided me with so much peace. There is still pain, don't get me wrong, but genuinely honest daily writing and constant reminders to stay grounded in the present have really set my mind onto a positive trajectory. And now, almost a year after losing Rob, I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can grow instead of survive. The feeling is welcomed and appreciated. 

I'm building this site as a place where I can start to be creative again, share some of what's helped, and update along the way with what is continuing to help me with getting my mind right. 

Back to the title of this post though... with the consistent effort and clear results from my actions that have helped reset a foundation in my mind, I felt compelled to roll that into other areas of my life. I've been running for many years and have been 80% on point with fitness and my diet, although a recent leg issue has me out of commission for a while, but each time I looked in the mirror after Rob passed, I looked older and older and I didn't like it one bit. I went to get botox before his service to make myself feel slightly better when I looked in the mirror. I have been back once more for a quick refresh, but nearing very close to 40 while I navigate this, time just hasn't been kind to me. So, I'm making effort this year to take actions that will improve my looks along side my mental health so I can not only have a bright mind, but a well-put together look to go along side it. 

This life is short and uncertain. We're lucky every day to be here, for any amount of time, in my opinion of course. I think earth is a wildly cool place that I'm grateful every day to participate in. Why not do it with 100% confidence and feeling good about yourself?!