Saying no immediately

I need to take a lesson from myself on this topic. I'm driven sometimes by not wanting to let people down who I have made commitments to. Most, if not all, would say that it's actually a solid trait. Me, not really. I see it as a weakness. Maybe it's a selfish perspective, but if we're not selfish with our time and our priorities, we'll constantly be taken advantage of. And, wouldn't I be doing a disservice to someone who is passionate about the work who could potentially add more value? I suppose it depends on whose perspective you're viewing the situation from though. From everyone else's seat, following through with your commitment is the right thing to do. But, what about me? What about following through on something that feels like a ball and chain dragging me down from a past life? What about feeling as though I'm living in a life that I built around someone who is no longer here. New experiences. Past lives. 

I read that the best way to feel better is to immerse yourself in new experiences. Which is something that's the exact opposite of the grief advice given by seemingly everyone. I personally think I would have been far better off for it. I wish I would have been more drastic. I wish I would have moved, said no to the weight, said yes to moving forward. It's been a year now since Rob passed and much of my life still exists the same as it had. I still live in the same place. I still have some of his things in the closet, still have his drawer in the bathroom that I haven't touched, his guitars, amps all set next to his side of the bed, I still have a half empty bottle of water from the morning of the day he passed in the fridge, I still run a business I built just for us, I'm still sorting through his things, still selling things off, still volunteering for organizations that were in support of him... I sit back and look at my life and it still doesn't feel like mine. 

How much time is enough to grieve? I don't like when people ask that question in the window group I'm in. I think a more appropriate question is: How much time are you willing to give up of your own life to suffering? My suffering can't change the past. It can't change anything. Yet, I look back after a year and I've now given up a meaningful chunk of my life to suffering. Not to Rob. Rob isn't here. It's gone to suffering. Suffering is not Rob. Suffering does not make me feel better and it doesn't add value to my life. 

I say these things to say: you do not need to suffer as a direct correlation to the love you had for someone. People will say things like, "we suffer so much because we loved so much". Which sounds sweet, but also gives off the impression that we should suffer because we loved them. A year in... I can tell you that we should not suffer and I should not have allowed my mind to keep my down for as long as it has. There's life to be lived!