Brain fog pt. I - getting priorities straight

Leave it to ChatGPT to offer better advice than a therapist… which, I can’t actually validate since I’ve never been to therapy. It’s on the list, but the idea of opening up to a stranger, trusting them, and hoping they stick around and are truly a value-add to my life, comes with a significant amount of risk for me. Lost time, sunk money, and emotional turmoil... it hasn't won me over yet. 

It’s something I didn’t have a choice but to address recently because the pile of what Chat refers to as “open loops” in my brain is literally causing me to cease functioning. Too many thoughts, not enough processing power. Stress, anxiety, lack of sleep... all amplify the situation. I now know this is normal in grief, amplified in those who already have an ADHD or ADD diagnosis, and can cause a completely scary and helpless feeling.

I want to be very clear that nothing I’m writing about is advice. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a therapist. This is simply an account of my personal experience.

I stopped taking Adderall in 2017, and after a few months of adjusting, I found ways to work with my brain to be effective at getting the things done in a day that I needed to. Was I locked in the same way I was when I was taking Adderall? No. Did I still manage to be successful? Yes.

To be honest, I don’t think I’d ever want to go back on Adderall, but I have thought about it recently because the struggle to function feels so f*cking overwhelming. It’s been over a year since my partner’s death and I still feel very lost and not like myself. One of the most helpful things I did was post in a widows group a little over a month ago about the cognitive issues and brain fog that I was still facing. I was wildly comforted to know that there were so many others who were still struggling with brain fog even two years later. It made me feel less alone.

I think one of the scariest parts about grief-related cognitive issues is wondering if this is just who you are now. Will I ever feel like myself again? Is my brain is ever going to work the way it used to? Seeing so many people describe the same experience gave me hope that maybe what I was experiencing wasn’t unique or permanent. I hope maybe that’s what this post will accomplish for someone else who might be struggling with the same thing. It’s okay and normal, especially if the death or loss was unexpected and traumatic, to still be struggling with brain fog even a year or two later.

Much of it relies on what we have on our plates, how well we can cope with it, and if we’re taking care of ourselves in a way that our bodies and minds need. I'll admit, I spent more time forcing myself to work harder than I did being kind to myself. Not the right move. 

I have to say, seeking support from ChatGPT has been extremely helpful. Most recently we worked on ways to decrease my cognitive load by pulling things off my plate, closing open loops, and getting disciplined about daily priorities. Having a set of rules in place to take the strain off of the continual mental decision-making process of which tasks to do, how I should do them, when I should do them, and why I should do them… but primarily whether they actually benefit me at all. Many of them do not.

I would highly suggest (if you’re in this sitution too) that you offload things you do not need to have on your mind, things that don’t directly benefit or impact you, and prioritize the few things that provide you with the best outcome. It’s not about forcing yourself to just work harder and push through. Been there, done that. It was torture and it hurt me more than it helped me. It’s about reducing the total volume your brain is trying to process while in a state of grief and allowing only that which moves your life in a direction that you want to be in, to make it on to the list of priorities.